In My Humble Opinion – Mrs. Sara Brejt – Use of Derogatory Terms for Others

(LocalJewishNews is pleased to announce the return of Mrs. Sara Brejt’s advice column to our web site. Look for more issues to come.)

I hate the term “shvartze.” Unfortunately many of my children’s friends and teachers use this term and do not see anything wrong with it. When I tell them it’s not a nice word to use, they answer, “But my Morah says it!” How can I answer them without lowering their respect for their Morah?

Dear Concerned Parent,

Wow, what a challenge!

On the one hand, you are careful to value all of Hashem’s creations by identifying them with courteous designations. On the other hand, you don’t want that respect to cause a dilution of your children’s respect for their Torah teachers.
You have asked a truly important question that touches on numerous Torah Hashkafic concerns – Chinuch of our children, respect for Torah authorities, and, perhaps most importantly, being Dan L’Kaf Zchus.

Because of the sensitive nature of this question, I “reached out” to a distinguished Torah authority for guidance, namely Rav Shmuel Kamenetsky shlit”a. (He gave me permission to quote him.) His initial response was “it is not right to call people that … it is 100% right not to say it” – those were his exact words. On the question of how to understand – and explain to our children – why some people do use this term, Rav Shmuel said that “people don’t realize it is derogatory… they don’t know better”.

Honestly, it seems to me that any time we are blessed with a higher level of understanding than that of another person, Hashem is granting us the opportunity to exercise our Dan L’Kaf Zchus muscles.

Here is an example: your neighbors are not careful to make brochos within earshot of their children. But you are. That’s marvelous that you do it, of course, but that would not be a reason to look down upon them. By setting a good example, and, occasionally, raising awareness by raising the topic, you can effect change. The challenge remains to continue to think well of the other, in spite of their shortcomings.

You can “fill in the blank” with so many situations – tznius awareness, bitachon challenges, speaking properly. The mitzvah for the one with more awareness is to continue doing the “right thing” and give the benefit of the doubt to the other.

How might this work in the case of the Rebbe/ Morah who uses improper speech in their conversation? For this, I’d like to refer you to Rabbi S. Binyomin Ginsberg (I spoke with him as well) who published an answer to this very question in his book You Asked, published by Chinuch Support.

I’ll paraphrase him, using the example of a rebbe, as that is the way the question was posed to him: The rebbe is not vulgar so much as he is not properly educated as to the appropriate way to speak of other cultures. It is very possible that it did not occur to the rebbe that the word he was using was impolite, just as one would not think twice about calling someone from Australia an “Aussie.”’

Having established theDan L’Kaf Zchus premise, Rabbi Ginsberg then proceeds to develop 2 bain adam l’chavero lessons, which I think you will find fascinating (I certainly did).

 

1)      Because you, as the parent, have the awareness of the inappropriateness of this speech, he suggests, it is your responsibility to try to convince the teacher. Ideally, you should speak to the rebbe directly and explain the inappropriate uses of the word he chose, and why it is insulting. The rebbe might then repeat the lesson to the class, so that the children will learn never to use it again.

 

Reiterating to the rebbe that the students look up to him tremendously and copy his every word is crucial.  Of course, this can only be done if the parent and teacher have a previously-existing positive relationship. And, it should never be done if it would fall on deaf ears and/or damage your relationship, or cause much embarrassment to your child.

 

2)    Regardless of how matters proceed with the rebbe/morah, Rabbi Ginsberg reminds us that we can -and must -educate our children not to use derogatory language when speaking of another person. Teaching them to be aware of other people’s feelings is paramount.. (Of course, you are doing this already.)  We, as Jews on the receiving end of a long history of anti-Semitism, know that the travesties often began with derogatory name-calling. We should not be the cause of such pain for others.

On a personal note, my husband, who was born in Poland and grew up there as a young child, resists the common practice of making “dumb Pollak” jokes. He remembers when the same jokes were said in Poland about Jews……

 

 

Lastly, I’ll share a wonderful idea – in the name of the illustrious Rabbi Mordechai Finkelman, from New York – of referring to non-Jews as Bnei No’ach, thereby retaining a considerate title, while honoring Torah distinctions. As a general rule, that would be an appropriate balance to strike.

As I’ve done before, here’s a CQP (Coaching Question for you to Ponder): “Looking into the future, how might you envision your children growing into caring, sensitive adults?”

Wishing you much Hatzlacha in raising your children, Sara Brejt

Mrs. Sara N. Brejt, our returning Local Jewish News advice columnist, lives in Cleveland Heights with her husband and the youngest of ka”h eight children. (Yes, “empty-nesting” is a topic for discussion!) She has worked as an attorney and in adult outreach with the Jewish Learning Connection. Most recently, as a certified life coach, she has launched a career-coaching business, coaching individuals and groups. She is very excited about her most recent venture, a parnassah-planning workshop for Bais Yaakov girls, and their mothers/mentors, entitled: “A M*A*G*I*C Formula for Finding the Career/Parnassa for You!” She enjoys helping people gain clarity in making decisions, formulating goals and actualizing their potential.

The topics for this advice column could be as diverse as child-raising, Shalom Bayis, Judaism, goal-setting, the sandwich generation….  If you ask, she’ll try to answer! Comments can be left here on this posting.   Also, Mrs. Brejt can be contacted (anonymously is an option) at Sara@NextStepCoach.org.