Dear Mrs. Brejt – I find Purim a very challenging day. Despite doing as much as possible in advance (mishloach manos and most of the cooking for the seudah), every year I end up exhausted and stressed on Purim. Instead of davening like I would like to, I end up feeling so stressed and even resentful. I would love any advice you could give me on how to have a better experience!
I feel like we rush rush rush all day long: first my husband hearing megillah, then me racing out to hear megillah, then the race to coordinate my husband and kids delivering the mishloach manos, the constant interruption of answering the door to people delivering mishloach manos (which I enjoy but which does mean it takes a long time to get things done with the interruptions), the kids’ wildness all day long (even though I limit their nosh consumption), trying to get people to sit down and eat some sort of lunch and clean up afterward, getting the seudah all warmed up and ready, setting the table, kids having meltdowns, people starting to arrive at different times, the house getting really trashed from all the drunk men and wild hefker kids and the constant in and out, having to serve the seudah and clean up while the men get shikker and sing and act silly, then eventually having to get all the hyper kids to bed by myself, and having to clean up a huge giant chametz mess all over my house.
I am very, very grateful to Hashem for giving me a husband, children, health, a home, food for the seudah, friends delivering mishloach manos, and the ability to have guests. I hope that what I wrote doesn’t come across as not being grateful. I’m not sure why I struggle so much with juggling all the things that have to be done on Purim, but I do. And I would really appreciate advice on how to enjoy the day and be able to daven properly without feeling stressed and distracted.
Thank you so much!
Dear Purim-Challenged Friend and Juggler,
Wow! I’m tired just listening to your description!
Let’s see… You are trying to be a devoted wife, responsible and caring mother, serious Megilla-hearer, Shalach Monos-preparer, -receiver and -deliverer, Seuda-server, -preparer and -cleaner-upper, with little, if any, assistance from your husband, and all the while trying to maintain some semblance of cleanliness, order, healthy eating, and spirituality in your home. Fatigue seems unavoidable. J
And maybe that’s part of the answer. Some situations are just that… – unavoidable. There really are very few items to take off the list of “Things to Do” on Purim. So Step One is to acknowledge it and accept it (and maybe welcome it?). On the other hand, important activities can sometimes be accomplished at lower levels of intensity, and this too might remove some of the tension. More about those practicalities below…
First, though, I’d like to share a remarkable – and remarkably easy – idea for injecting some calm into your davening on Purim. A few days before Purim, try to prepare a list of the specific requests you want to make –of HaKadosh Baruch Hu on Purim. This will ease your focus when you finally get your time to daven. Some women like to go to an early morning minyan (or get up early to daven at home – if getting out is not feasible) and some women daven at night when the house is quiet. In addition, making the effort to talk to Hashem all day long – while doing the “other stuff” – is certainly admirable. Whichever way works for you! The key is to make the effort to demonstrate the importance – to yourself (and to your children!) – of this z’man tefila.
Also, there is the age-old “Divide and Conquer.” If you and your husband could plan ahead and possibly designate certain activities that will be his responsibility, and others for you to do (yes, I know your list will be longer, but maybe not as long?), this will also alleviate some of the stress. For instance, maybe he’ll deliver Shalach Monos with the older children to the “other neighborhoods” (as the case may beJ), while you stay home to finish Seuda preparations/receive Shalach Monos/let the younger ones take a nap. Or, maybe you could do the driving and he’ll be responsible for greeting the dancing bachurim and writing the tzedaka checks.
In fact, while doing some of the pre-Purim scheduling, you might want to keep in mind that the z’man tefila of Purim extends back to Ta’anis Esther and forward to Shushan Purim (for instance, many people say Tehillim 22 on each of the three days) and include some of that less-intense time in your tefila plans, as well.
As for the practicalities that I alluded to above, we cannot (and aren’t expected to) do each of our tasks/responsibilities to the same nth degree. (I am definitely speaking to myself here, as well!) This means that, some years, we will have the wherewithal to make the most creative Shalach Monos, and on some Purims, the Seuda will be most elegant, and, sometimes, our davening will be incredibly inspired, or the children will be particularly well-behaved. (Hard-to-imagine, hmm?) The operative words are “some” and “or.” They will not ALL happen in the same year. Too many factors conspire to create different energy and different challenges – each year (and for each individual, and family, I might add).
But, pssst… Here’s the secret! Hashem knows all those ingredients! He prepared them, individually, for each and every one of us. Surely, the overwhelming stress of the day is His Plan. Success is in keeping our focus on the essentials – in spite of all the distractions – seeing through the “mask,” and uncovering the hidden essence of the day.
The beauty of your question is that, even with all your busyness, you’ve done exactly that by retaining your focus on the enjoyment of the day, and on the davening. I hope you are holding your head high for that fact alone!
So, if you permit me, let’s take a more-global view of Purim and fatigue. The key “take-home” message of Purim is that there is no such thing as “coincidence.” This is the very antithesis of Amalek’s battle-cry. Isn’t it “coincidental,” then, that the Torah describes us as “tired and weary” (see Devarim 25:18 and Shmos 17:8-16) when Amalek first attacked the Jewish people in the desert?
Perhaps, today’s “tired-and-weary” moments are opportunities to re-boot the vulnerable dynamic of long ago… When we choose to remain focused on what’s really important, and not get overwhelmed with the too-many activities coming our way, we rise to the challenge that Hashem is sending us.
Tired may be unavoidable; “tired-and-weary” is not. Sure, the practicalities of the day are all-encompassing – and addressing some of them, to reduce the load, is sometimes a necessity – but Purim is a day to celebrate our ability to see Hashem in all situations.
To summarize: Be realistic about your expectations – of yourself! Of course, you must plan proactively with your husband. And, look at your responsibilities through the proverbial “Torah spectacles”.
Lastly, here’s a CQP (Coaching Question to Ponder) for you: “What is one small step you might take – this week – to help you raise your excitement for Purim?”
A Freilichen Purim to you, and to your family (and to anyone else who might be listening in!),
Sara Brejt
P.S. Thank you to everyone who commented on the previous column – whether on the website, or to me, privately – especially those who were complimentary! All-in-all, all responses are welcome, provided they are positive and polite to other voices. I don’t have all the answers, to be sure, but if my words form a kernel for healthy, respectful conversation, I am grateful.
A Point to Ponder says
I once heard a wonderful story. Rav Mshe Heineman of Baltimore was approached by a women who asked him, “Could I hire a non-Jewish [nothing derogatory intended :-)] babysitter to babysit my kids so I could go to shul on Yom Kippur?” He told her, “You stay home with the kids, and send the non-Jewish women to Shul.” Of course the story is not to be taken literally, but the message is clear.
There are mitzvos that a person is obligated to perform. Those are the ikur / main focus of our lives. Our performance of mitzvos is our greatest segula for goodness from Hashem. Why would we stress out about needing time to daven. While you are running around balancing the mitzvos of Purim one should have in mind that the avodas hayom should be a zechus. What greater zechus is there than to sacrifice of yourself in order to fulfill the Will of our Creator. With this in mind – you will merit to have not a few minutes of davening, but hours of zechusim building up.
A Freilichin Purim!
Sara Brejt says
In response to private feedback I received about this column – that I did not address the marital dynamics between the letter-writer and her husband, or the issue of drinking on Purim – I would like to clarify two points.
But first, I really appreciate the feedback – thank you! Whether it’s complimentary, or the inverse, I always learn something. M’Kol M’Lamdai He’Skalti.
1) In an advice column, it is hard to address all the societal ills that might arise in a specific set of circumstances. In particular, within the short time-frame involved, and with Purim rapidly upon us, I wanted to focus on specific suggestions – positive in nature – that might help the situation, rather than casting aspersions on anyone’s behavior. Also, I prefer to focus on what might be in the control of the letter-writer – such as her davening and her expectations of herself, etc. – rather than that of other parties. Of course, if the husband writes in … I’ll try to answer differently.
I see my role as the one to make the suggestion – as I did, in a gentle, non-confrontational manner – that the husband might assist more. Then, the couple could choose to use this situation as a stepping stone to change things.
2) I am in total agreement that drinking on Purim has gotten quite out-of-hand. I did not comment on this point as there is an excellent article on this LJN site, “Excessive Drinking On Purim Is An Aveirah, Not a Mitzvah!”, by Rabbi Dr. Abraham J. Twerski (an incredibly knowledgeable professional on this topic).
A Freilichen Purim to one and all!
eishes chayil says
Thank you Mrs. Brejt for your excellent column. I found it calming and a lot of food for thought. Wishing you and your family a very freilichen Purim!
To the person who posted about davening not being a priority on Purim, that we should just focus on happily racking up zechusim as we race through the day–I’m not built that way! I need that quiet time of intense talking/connection to Hashem. It transforms everything. I don’t really understand what you meant when you said the “performance of mitzvos is our greatest segula for goodness from Hashem.” I’m not looking to do the mitzvos in order to get what I want from Hashem! I want to do the mitzvos because I love Hashem! That incredible joy of doing ratzon Hashem! It feels really weird to go through a whole day racing around and not having time to properly talk to Hashem, it’s such a special day and having less time than normal to connect with Him seems so at odds with what should be. Yes of course you can talk to Him while you’re setting the table and mopping up mud in the entryway, but the intensity level is different (for me). Anyway, I guess different strokes for different folks! We all have such different personalities and ways of doing things, and it’s interesting to hear different perspectives!
Chaya says
It seems to me that the day has turned “misimcha leyagon” for the writer and giving her a pep talk on ruchniyus while she is feeling pressured and resentful of all the demands placed on her is missing the boat. Suggesting that the woman’s “sacrificing” herself is a zechus is like saying she should pat herself on the back for allowing herself to be a shmatte. It is Yom Tov for her also! How about some practical suggestions on making the ambiance less wild?
1) Can you make and pack one less item for Mishloach Manos?
2) Can you take a couple of recipients off the list?
3) What about one less item on the table at the Seuda? If you have guests other than the family, can they pitch in with side dishes or salads?
4) If guests start arriving well before the set time for the seuda, you need have no compunction about inviting them into the kitchen to keep you company while you put the finishing touches on the meal. You don’t have to entertain them in the living room while you have things to do.
4) Most importantly, talk to your husband and tell him that the schedule is so hectic that you cannot enjoy Purim, and how much the drunkenness spoils the day for you. If rowdy groups come to your door collecting and you notice they are tipsy, don’t allow them into your home. Since you serve the meal, ask your husband to be the one monitoring the movement of food and remind everyone–children and guests–that the food has to stay at the table, or at least, in the dining room. Set a time during the seuda that YOU sense is the tipping point to remove alcohol from the table before the men get shikker, and if there are any protests, tell them firmly, “We have had our l’chaim”. By including yourself, you make it less critical of their self-control. Finally, remind hubby that the day is not over when the guests have departed and you need him to participate in the cleaning and children’s bedtime.